Exhausted Mama here, I could use really your help/thoughts on this situation please?

Question

OK, the basics. My Daughter is 13 months and to date, has had a lot of medical problems. Feeding is difficult, vomiting is frequent and we rarely get a bowel movement - all of these things are being treated and we are FINALLY starting to see some improvement. She is on prescription formula and has been since about 2-3 months old, so although it's yucky to the taste, it's established and she seems to like it. We co-sleep part time now that she is older and this means that she still takes her naps on our bed with us and goes to sleep at night on our bed, when I go to bed I then transfer her to her own crib in her own room and then when she wakes in the night, she gets back in with us. This system has always worked for us. I should probably add that although I don't believe that it is possible to spoil a baby, we definitely made some silly choices along the way and are now paying the price. She is FAR from being a brat and is the most loving and affectionate little girl I know but she definitely knows what she wants and how to get it.

Anyway. I have posted questions here before about her turning one and then literally becoming a little monster. I am getting used to dealing with the back arching temper tantrums and her slapping or biting everything in sight. She doesn't seem interested in stopping anytime soon but I am relentless in my redirection tactics and seem to forever be telling her NO. The problem we have at the moment and the reason I am exhausted is that she has decided that she can survive on 5 hours of solid sleep per night and then 2 x 1 hour naps in the day. While I understand that not all children want or need 12 hours a night, my Daughter definitely needs more than 5 hours at night because she is tired and lethargic all day these days and also has big bags under her eyes. Nothing has changed. Her bedtime and routine is the same, her last meal and bottle haven't changed. Her bedroom is the same, our bedroom is the same. I still lay with her, we still have the lullaby music on etc She goes to bed between 7-8pm and I transfer her into her crib about 40 minutes later. She'll then sleep happily until about 1am and then she is awake - she doesn't cry but she wont stay in her crib otherwise she will cry. I get her, put her into bed and put her pacifier back in and up until about 2 weeks ago, she would roll over and be snoring again in seconds but now she lays there, tossing and turning for about 2-3 hours until she either gives in and sleeps or I give in and we get up at 4am. My Husband works evenings and gets home at 2am and she is always wide awake by the time he gets home, so I cant blame her awakeness on that and this has always been his work pattern since she was born, so she is used to it. She has never learnt to self soothe which is entirely my fault and has never cried for me in her little life, I am always there for her and always get her the second she starts to show signs of being awake and/or getting upset. Honestly, it's like having a newborn again but this newborn has huge temper tantrums. I know she is teething as we have drool everywhere and she is constantly chewing things but this sleep issue seems to be different than the normal disturbance we experience with teething.

Whew, this is long (sorry).

I just wondered if any of you could help me with some ideas on how to get her sleeping back on track. While she seems quite happy to live on 5 hours a night, I simply can not function that way. It then takes over our entire day because we have a grumpy and exhausted baby that wants to catnap all day,

I have tried everything. Putting her back in her crib. Settling her in the crib and laying with her half through the crib bars (no easy task). Taking her into our bed and soothing her or leaving her to just lay there awake but she isn't content with being awake on her own, she wants to be the human windmill and roundhouse kick me in the face until I'm awake and will lay there with her. She doesn't even want to play, she is just wide awake and then when she does start to finally drift off, she is all over the place. I don't think it's anything physical, it's not too warm or too cold in our house, she doesn't appear to have a tummy ache or gas. I'm out of ideas and desperate.

I suffered with terrible pp depression and have been off of my medication for a while now but I feel that I am starting to have an overload of emotions again and things seem to be bubbling up. I know that it's probably due to not having enough sleep but I am at my wits end and just don't know where to turn or how to help her sleep soundly.

Answer 1

http://www.google.com/products?q=%22valerian+super+calm%22&oe=utf-8&hl=en&scoring=p

http://www.google.com/products?q=%22calm+child%22+syrup&hl=en&scoring=p



Both these products have been a god send when my baby is teething, has missed her naps and is cranky or when we are dealing with a stressful environment or day. They will help her find her calm and be able to sleep. Both use certified organics herbs and are formulated specially for children. Also for your pp, you may want to try Vitex. Some info . . . .



Chaste Tree Berry (Vitex)

Chasteberry has the effect of stimulating and normalizing pituitary gland functions, especially its progesterone function. The greatest use of Vitex Agnus Castus - or Chasteberry - lies in normalizing the activity of female sex hormones and it is thus indicated for dysmenorrhoea, premenstrual stress and other disorders related to hormone function. It is especially beneficial during menopausal changes. In a similar way it may be used to aid the body to regain a natural balance after the use of the birth control pill. Because it can increase progesterone and extend the luteal phase, some women begin taking it when they ovulate, though regular daily use is indicated in the promotion of fertility.

As vitex is safe, it may be used by women seeking to become pregnant to increase chances of conception. More specifically, it can be used by women with irregular ovulatory function and by women with shorter luteal phases. Vitex may also be used after discontinuing use of birth control pills to restore normal ovulation.



Dong Quai (Angelica sinensis root) is the noted Chinese herb that is used as a blood tonic. It contains micronutrients known for their blood building properties (iron, vitamin B12, and vitamin E). Dong Quai balances estrogen in the body, and is traditionally used in China to regulate the menstrual cycle. Dong Quai is also a blood thinner, and for this reason it should not be taken during menstruation. It may be helpful in improving the chances of implantation for women who have auto-immune problems, but should not be taken if you are already taking "baby" aspirin to reduce blood clotting.



False Unicorn Root

Used for amenorrhea, dysmenorrhea, endometriosis, hormonal imbalance (balancing effect), infertility, morning sickness, ovarian cysts, spermatorrhea, threatened miscarriage, uterine prolapse. It is a tonic for the reproductive organs, especially beneficial as an aid to getting pregnant and staying pregnant, has a normalizing effect upon the ovaries. Used in infertility caused by dysfunction in follicular formation in the ovary. Eases ovarian pain and vaginal dryness. Follow directions, like any medication too much is not a good thing: Taking too much may cause hot flashes, kidney and stomach irritation, blurred vision or vomiting.



Basically these herbs help your body get back into it's natural swing of things hormonally. I would recommend using http://www.google.com/products?hl=en&q=vitex+elixir+%22gaia+herbs&scoring=p. This is what I used after the birth of my daughter to help regulate my hormones and avoid pp (I have a history of depression). To get the full effect of herbs they must be taken for at least 6 weeks but I would take them for at least 3 menstrual cycles if not longer and see if that doesn't help. Good luck.

Answer 2

Imagine I'm giving you a hug, I know the complete & utter hell that is ppd. I had it with both children, second was much much worse.

Anyhow, your daughter sounds like how my daughter was at around 10 months old. She needs to learn how to self-soothe and it is an incredibly difficult process to go through BUT it is a very quick process.

FERBER.

Please remember that if you've read the book (or at least skim the first few chapters b/c I know it's nearly impossible to actually get to sit, read and finish a book with little ones) and tried it for 3 nights in a row and she isn't doing better then STOP the Ferber technique. I never let my daughter cry and finally my husband started working nights and I couldn't handle doing the nights by myself anymore so I was desperate to try something. I borrowed the book at the library and tried it. (By the third night she was asleep - and stayed asleep all night - within 5 minutes.)



If it doesn't work (it either works or doesn't work, some kiddos can handle it, some kids can't. Those who can't shouldn't be pushed to keep trying it) I recommend getting the book "No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. That worked successfully with a friend of mine and her 3 kids.

Answer 3

It may be teething. If not that, maybe just a growth spurt. I know it is exhausting to get up and down and never get a good night's sleep, but I'm sure she will settle back down into a good pattern. When my daughter was learning to walk, she barely slept for a month. All she wanted to do was practice all her new skills, and her molars started coming in around the same time so she was uncomfortable.



Just keep perspective that it won't last forever. In the meantime, maybe you and your husband can take shifts so that you can get a little sleep.

Answer 4

There is a cover (like a tent) one places over the top of a crib to keep an active child in the crib. These are used frequently in the hospital because the nurses do not have the time for one on one pedi care in the hospital yet the child needs to be safe in their crib. You can find this cover in a fully stocked durable medical store, probably one located around your local children's hospital. I highly recommend you look into this. This will keep your child in her crib safely so that you can get some rest. She will cry and be very fretful at first. Ignore this behavior. Soon she will realize that she will not be rescued and will settle down. My son was a very wide awake baby so I know firsthand what you are going through. I cleared everything out of his room except his bed, which really was twin box springs and mattress, and a few of his favorite toys. When it was nap time, I placed him in his room and closed and locked the door. At first I would listen for a long time at the closed door to make sure he was ok. Finally, all would become quite. I would gently open the door and he would be asleep; sometimes on the floor, sometimes in his toy box, etc. Charlie was walking at 9 months old and it was at 12 months old that I started this routine. It worked for me and Charlie. When we first started this Charlie would cry for 20-30 minutes. Then, as he got used to this routine the crying became less and less until he stopped crying altogether. This took about 3 weeks until he completely settled down.

Answer 5

Why are you two feeding her drama? people who involve themselves in drama and complain about it do so because they get something out of the drama...if they didn't enjoy it, and also enjoy the chances to B & Moan over it, they would avoid it altogether. There are such things as professional victims, y'know. So 1) You refuse all contact with her..you know how. 2) He has contact with her thru the Family Court System only....if the judge needs to appoint an un- involved go between in matters that concern the child, then that is what is done. problem solved.

Answer 6

i do not think first of all that you should stop ur meds for pp it is very important to work with ur dr on that accord now to the sleeping





my son started this behavior actually when he was four months at which point i began putting rice cereal in his night time bottle with my breast milk for u it would be with ur formula and i made it quite thick as to fill him up better and if u are a stay at home mom i didnt notice if u said u worked or not but i was a stay at home mom so this was easier for me i know that you feel u need to have a set schedule and lots of ppl t hink they are really important and lots of ppl will not agree with me on this but when i got to the point where i was so tired i could not function throughout the day i would just let him stay up until he fell over take him to the park let him run around bring him home feed him take him back outside WEAR HIM O UT lol and then at the end of the night i would give him a lavender J&J bath and rub him down with the lotion that goes with it make him get in his bed and then he would just knock out i found that this worked best for me it may not work for everyone and i know u will probably get several ppl to tell u not to do this but my son sleeps 12 hours a night he is almost three and HIS DR SAYS HE IS GETTING JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SLEEP(she is an experienced dr with lots of years under her belt and i love her to death she was actually my dr until i turned 18 and i am 27 years old now so i trust her completely) we have talked about it several times and she is completely happy with his patterns





so in the end my answer is make her full and let her wear herself out i promise u that it will do u a world of good in the getting some sleep area





also it is possible that she could be teething in which case you get some childrens PLAIN tylenol and some night time orajel and go to town lol

Answer 7

Like a few others have said, you may not like this but she is old enough now to cry it out on her own. For my 8 month old she started getting into a bad habit at night for sleeping, relying on me staying in her room and patting her back til she was in a deep sleep which would take 20-30 mins. Then it got to the point where patting her back wasnt enough. I knew she was fed, not in pain, clean and not in any danger. I had to let my daughter cry it out. It took 2 nights and her sleeping habit changed dramatically. I no longer pat her back to get her to sleep. We do our bedtime routine, she gets her pacifier, we do cuddle time and then its bedtime.

If you decide to do the cry it out method you may want to ask her doctor to make sure she is healthy enough to handle it. She may cry for 2 hours and it may break your heart but it really is the best for both of you. You will get your sleep back and so will she. It is important to be very consistent with the cry it out method, once she starts sleeping in her crib you cannot move her in your bed at all. For my daughter when I leave her to cry it out I cannot go in to check on her because when I leave the room again she gets even more upset. It is up to you if you want to go in and check on her frequently. If she it teething try to give her some Motrin before bed to make sure it isnt teething pain that is bothering her.



Another suggestion would be that when she wakes up at 1am and doesnt want to go back to sleep is to take her and do your bedtime routine all over again so she understands it is time to sleep. I dont know if this will work but it sounds like a good idea. Just make sure not to stimulate her or play with her. For example change her diaper, give her a little massage, read a book, pacifier and then bed again. Maybe that would help her relax. Hope this helps.

Answer 8

Fisrt, if you are starting to have depression issues again get back on your meds ASAP. I too suffer with depression and I know that it can make everything worse.



Now on to your question. As long as she has been fed and is dry, put her in her crib and let her cry it out. This will be hard at first as she is used to going to sleep with you. Every 20 minutes or so, go in and say calmly "Mommy is here. It is time to go night night" Then leave the room.



The first night or two will be h*ll. She will cry and it will tear your heart out. But in a few nights she will learn to go to sleep by herself.



You will be doing you and her a BIG favor by letting her learn to go to sleep by herself. If she doesn't learn it now, it will be much harder when she is older. Imagine her wanting to go to a sleep over but she can't beause she can't go to sleep w/o mommy.



Good Luck. I've been there too.

Answer 9

Well, I stopped reading after the giant paragraph, but I wanted to give some advice anyways. My son went through a similar issue, though not as bad I guess.



We have never let either our our kids sleep in our bed. They were in their bassinets for the first month, in our room, but after that, once they were only getting up once at night, they were in their own rooms. Our daughter was easy, but our son.....weew....he makes me tired just thinking of him. He did not sleep through the night until he was 18 or 19 months old.



Your not going to like this advice....but it is what worked for us! (See my past questions for referance...)



My son would wake up at 1 to 2am everynight and want a sippy cup of juice....which is obviously bad for his teeth. By 8 or 9 month old, we were both exhusted from getting up with him, and would just give him one so we could go back to sleep....we were both working, and I was ALSO in college full time. Anyways, but a year old, to 18 months it just got riciulous. He would not sleep through the night, he woke up every single time.



We did the cry it out method. Only water to go to bed with, and NOTHING if he woke up in the middle of the night. After a week of H*LL....it worked. It will suck to listen to the crying for hours, but each night it will be less crying, and just dont give it....or it was all for nothing....you wouldnt want to put her through that unless your going to stick with it....that would just be mean.



As far as the tantrums go....timeouts and firm NO's are all that you can do. Remember that she is testing her boundries and be consistant. You dont want a bratty 2,3 and 4 year old that doesnt listen, do you? You have to set the foundation NOW and stick with it.

Answer 10

HELLO MONICA

TO ME IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE IS USED TO THE DAILY SCHEDULE "IMMUNE TO IT". TRY GIVING HER A NEW ENVIRONMENT LIKE HIRE A NANNY FOR A DAY OR TWO. SHE WONT WANT TO SLEEP DURING THE DAY AND AT NIGHT SHE WILL BE EXHAUSTED. DO YOU NEED A NANNY I AM AVAILABLE IN SANTA PAULA

Answer 11

i know this is probably not advice you want to hear but if you dont put a stop to spoiling her now itll probably only get harder. if you know that she is not hungry and not dirty than maybe you can just let her cry herself to sleep..i mean if it gets really bad where shes literally screaming for a while than yes get her but maybe you can just try to see if she can learn to soothe herself somehow. children are very resourceful and will learn different ways to deal if they need to. hang in there and good luck!

Answer 12

have u tried a vacuum -- my daughter is wild and nothing puts her to sleep like a vacuum cleaner

Answer 13

Firstly, despite what most moms say, 1 year olds mostly do not "self-soothe". 80% of moms say their 1 year old has a sleep problem, that means that the expectations are the problem, not their kids.



There is nothing wrong with co-sleeping, either. Most parents co-sleep at least some time.



And there is no value in teaching your baby that you aren't going to be there when they need you, just think about that for a minute -is that REALLY what you would want to treat.



I know that doesn't solve your problem, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't a bad parent and its not "your bad choices" that have got you there.



Honestly I think it is that daddy is getting home at 2 am -particularly if your daughter doesn't get to see him much. I know that my kids start really noticing when daddy isn't around when they are awake at their age. They sleep less well at night, they are cranky during the day -and yes they will even get up in the middle of the night just to be with Daddy. So if its at all possible make sure Daddy starts spending 30-60 minutes with your daughter before he goes to work. My husband would whine that he never gets to see his kids, and one day I just got sick of it and said "Clearly you don't want to spend time with your kids, if you DID you would get up 30 WHOLE MINUTES earlier and spend time with them" -that put him in his place and got him to spend times with his kids.



Also I would imagine the teething isn't helping either.



7-8 is a good bed time, but sometimes an earlier bedtime can help get things back on schedule.



Also you need to get enough sleep, now. You aren't going to be much good at getting her back into a good routine when you are tired and cranky. If hubby can't watch her for 2-3 hours when you sleep consider hiring a mother's helper. Contact local homeschooling groups. Normally a mother's helper is a girl not old enough to baby sit, but remember that you will be there (though sleeping). Also if she will play quietly at some point and you can sleep you can do that as well. Or find a local mom that you can trade off babysitting for free. So she takes yours 3 hours twice a week, and you take hers twice a week. Or she can take yours 3-4 times a week and bank time that you will "pay back" over the next months -just so you can get over this hump.



And if you need your meds again, you need them.



This phase WILL end.



Some ideas on getting her back to sleep:

Will she sleep on you on the couch with the TV on?

Will she sleep if you walk her in the stroller (inside)?



http://www.drjen4kids.com/soap%20box/sleep%20stuff.htm

The stages of sleep, and there are more than just stage 4 and REM, are things we go through each night, but we go through them in cycles. Every 90 minutes of so we actually wake up, check out our surroundings and go back to sleep if everything feels safe. Awakening about 5-8 times a night is normal [for adults]



[...]



. Older infants get up at night, but less often, and it is normal for one year olds to not be sleeping through the night. Of course, if I did my job earlier, you now understand that nobody sleeps through the night. Interesting tidbit: about 80% of parents of one year olds identify their children as having "sleep problems." Eighty percent? Maybe we have an expectation for our children that is not based on human physiology and is therefore not realistic. Maybe they don't really have a sleep problem.



http://www.askdrsears.com/faq/sl15.asp

"Yes, he will learn to fall asleep by himself." BUT, it will probably be much later than you are anticipating. Many parents have an unrealistic expectation about when their infants should be able to fall asleep by themselves. I hear people say six months, or one year. In reality, it's usually between 2 and 4 years. Our four-year-old still needs to be parented to sleep.





http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp

Don't get me wrong. I love the family bed, child-led weaning and cuddling all through the first, second, third year or more if it's working well and if the family is doing well. Don't let anyone convince you that this is a harmful choice or that there will be "no way" to get him out of your bed if you don't do it now. Don't believe anyone who says that babies who cuddle and nurse all night long "never" learn to self soothe or become independent. This is simply not true but it sells books and the myths stay in our culture.



Some moms just don't want to do this after some months or years and there should be a third choice to the dichotomy of crying it out or giving in to all-night nursing. Again, I support the family bed and frequent night nursing for a long time and even attempt to pull some parents along "just a little farther," but I often have to switch tacks and support and help families with difficult choices.



Here's what I recommend for older babies: