Sorry had to post this here - no response in the family section?

Question

So this does concern my little ones, which is why I'm posting it where other little one's come in to play in a situation like this...

Just wondered who has had a similar situation, and how do you deal with this in the aftermath?
I have recently (within the last day or two) cut ties with my in-law family. I have zero intention of trying to work things out, it has gone way to far as it is and the relationships are poisonous to me and to my two young sons, particularly one who is going through the process of determining a learning issue/delay, possible autism.

The problem is, I am anticipating someone coming to our door, or calling to try to "patch things up." Just so people understand, I'll give a brief idea of what I mean by poisonous...

1- allow and enable underage drinking as well as alcoholism
2- allow and enable drug use
3- have backstabbed and gossiped and obliterated reputations of other in-laws in the past
4- lie and change facts of serious issues that are trying to be worked out (one was sexual abuse, not caused by family, one was developmental issues, one was suicidal attempt none of these were me specifically)
5- have recently attacked me for my parenting decisions and spread misinformation knowing that it wasn't correct/true.

So these things being said, if one of these people showed up at your door, while you are home alone with your two children under two, wanting to talk about why you have cut ties and how they can make it up to you, what would you say? what would you do? These people are not my husbands immediate family but extended family. Still, I will not disrespect them or myself by cussing at them but I would like to know of an effective way of saying "Not now, not ever, please leave"... Anyone have advise?

Answer 1

First and foremost, make sure your husband is in COMPLETE agreement with every decision as this IS his family.

Second, I would be civil about the situation. They, most likely, see nothing wrong with their decisions. I would not let them in my house. I would step outside and have a short chat with them and inform them, again, that you're not in agreement with their decisions, and, until they decide to change their ways to ways that are suitable for your young children to be around, you will have nothing, what so ever, to do with them again. Whether you ever want any contact with them again or not, this is what I would tell them. It will, hopefully, make them feel like there is a chance and might help them want to change their living styles & thinking patterns.

If nothing improves and they're still persistent about being in your life, this is when I would just simply ignore them. Don't acknowledge their presence. Don't take phone calls/texts from them. Don't answer your door. Don't even smile, nod or say hello if you run into them in public. Treat them like a complete stranger. Eventually, they will get the picture and realize that you're serious about the matter!

Hope this helps! Good luck Miss Lisa!!!



EDIT: I read Becks answer and while I agree, this has not worked for me in the past, having my husband speak up to his family. When Matt, my husband, speaks up, they take it with a grain of salt and brush it off. They never take him seriously. I have found that I am the one that has to say something in order for it to be taken seriously. It's mostly this way because Matt tries to be polite about the matter and doesn't want to hurt feelings. I have to be blunt and get my point across. I may step on some toes but when it regards my son, you bet I'm going to stand my ground, my family or his! May not be the same in Jay's family. Either way, GOOD LUCK!!







~_~

Answer 2

There is more to the story than meets the eye. She obviously, in years past, has had some sort of highly disturbing encounters with a tattooed sexual predator on a regular basis. This likely involves a father or stepfather. She associates these encounters from this tattooed psychopath with ANY tattooed person, hence her term, 'tattoo predator'. It's kind of sad, if you really think about it. Most true 'tattoo bigots' have a very real reason they're opposed to tattoos. She refers to tattoos as 'cartoonish pictures', which would indicate a time period of over thirty years ago. It's possible that her abuser was a tattoo artist. This is where she comes on to try to get people to not get tattoos. She figures that there will be fewer pedophile rapists on the streets. Voting for herself is fooling no one. Pray for her, she needs your prayers. She is still in pain. May God bless.

Answer 3

Honestly, it seems cowardly but these people won't take a hint and likely will pull you into an argument if you let them. Post a letter. On your front door. Address it to his family and in it say

My husband and myself have decided that the influence of his family is not wanted in our lives. It is toxic and harmful to our children. We wish you all happy, successful lives but will no longer tolerate any contact whatsoever with you. We will not argue or change our minds and this letter is posted because we do not want this conversation going on infront of our children. Please respect our wishes and cut all contact with us. If they don't leave quietly and if they ever come back call the police and arrest them for trespassing. That is exactly how I would handle it. Well, not really, I'd relish the chance to get on the phone and personally tell them to F*** OFF. But if I were not so aggressive I'd post the letter!

Answer 4

I answered this in the family section too but I figured you'd check this one more... LOL so here goes....



You say exactly what you said...."Not now, not ever, please leave." They know what they've done, you don't have to explain it to them or justify your reasons as to why you've chosen what you've chosen, if there's a brain cell in their head they know. And on top of which it would be highly inappropriate to show at your doorstep while Jay is away.... bombarding you while you are at home with the babies by yourself, no way!! Don't even answer the door Lise. If they have anyone that they want to take this up with it should be him. In fact, I'd ask him to be the voice of reason to them (if there is any reasoning with them), he needs to protect you and his children... so you aren't having to do the dirty work. And it comes off so much better, firmer, etc if he's the one doing the talking only because your stepping in could give them more ammo. It's his family so when you put your two cents in they could turn it around on you saying that your manipulating him, controlling him, all that. I know because I've dealt with this. Let it come from the horses mouth, his! If he wants to see them, fine, but let it be known to him that you and the kids won't be involved. And if he's fully backing you up on this then allow him to deal with his family, it will take the burden off of you. You just worry about loving those babies and not allowing toxic people to have any power in your life! ;)

Email me if you need anything! Lovesss Becks

Answer 5

this is a tough situation,and i hope your husband is behind your decision 100%. I just worry that he may resent you for this. If that is a non issue i dont see why you have to respond to them at all. I would just if they contact you or show up...not answer at all. If they continually come to your house i would consider calling the police and having them ask them to leave, as these people sound like they are not very nice I would let the police handle it. Its not a pleasant situation by any means, and i hope that things get better for you and your family.

Answer 6

Don't answer your door...period!



I just recently cut ties with my sister... not SIL... but my actual sister. She is leading a very unhealthy lifestyle mentally and physically. She prostitutes, drinks excessively, has never worked a legal job in her life and therefore has never filed her taxes, steals, and is a compulsive liar. The last straw was when she stayed with me for 3 weeks and little by little, things went missing. I cut her off completely. I will not expose my daughter to that AT ALL!



You are doing the right thing! You want to protect yourself and your family. I hope your husband is behind you 100% because you need the support. Ignore their phone calls and sooner or later, they will get the idea

Answer 7

I would first try to avoid them. With it getting nice out, spend long afternoons at a park - further away from your house. Screen your calls.



As for the door knocking - which as a mom, would make me insane if they woke up a napping child ringing the doorbell, if they do come over, make it clear that its a bad time to talk, and after that be clear again, that you have nothing to say to them and no paience to hear their side. I even have a friend that has a sign up at her door, that says "napping child, please knock softly"

Answer 8

If you dont want to talk I would not even answer the door, if you have let them know you do not want anything else to do with them (and you have GOOD reason) then I wouldn't waste anymore breath on them, if you continue to talk to them they will probably continue to think they could possibly patch things up...so let them know there is no chance and just start ignoring them completely.

Answer 9

I would just say "Some of the behavior I have seen isn't what I want my children growing up around so I feel it's in their best interest to stay away from it."



That way you're being semi-"nice" about it but still getting your point across. I don't blame you, if my family(in-laws or not) acted that way I'd run the other way.

Answer 10

i'm not a confrontational person at all, so i probably wouldnt answer the door lol i hate it when someone i am fighting with rocks up, i get all nervous, can barely speak and get all shakey...



and with small boys, do you have a peep hole thingy in your door? can you peak out a front window to see who's at the door?



i really dont know what you should say to them, hopefully they dont come over!!

Answer 11

"what would you do?"



I'd keep the doors locked, and if the need presented itself, I'd have them removed by the law. Doesn't sound like these people can - or should - be trusted, and if I were at home alone with my two children, our safety would be my first priority.

Answer 12

Not now, not ever, please leave. (and if they don't) Please leave now before the police arrive.



Once you ask them nicely to leave, you can have them arrested for trespassing if it comes to that. The threat should be enough.



Please try to put aside your anger and hatred and forgive them. Do it for your own sake. Notice I didn't say have contact with them, but hate is like a poison you take yourself and hope the other person will die from it. It eats at you.

Answer 13

I would not answer the door, answer the phone, and if they didn't leave my house and kept ringing the doorbell, I would call the police.



And I think you made the right decision!

Answer 14

Legally you can ask them to leave your property. That you do not wish for them to be there, and do not come back. If they choose not to do so, call the police to talk to them. Keep track of each time they come, each time they call...document it. Then you can either file for harassment or stalking..if it gets that far. It probably won't. Having a policeman telling them to leave and if they come back they will be arrested should do the trick.

Answer 15

very simple.

3 steps...





1.) Open door

2.) See unwanted family member

3.) Close door.





...they'll get the idea and not a cuss word in sight!!

Answer 16

What I don't understand is WHY are they coming over to make up? You have not explained what they have done to you. You are keeping something from us and we need to know in order to help.

But in any event don't whimp-out! Tell them off in no uncertain terms without swearing and end it by saying if you need to talk with someone about it telephone my husband on his cell phone but not here.

Answer 17

i would just keep the door locked and if they show up not answer the door..have your children be quiet or take them to the back of the house..i would just not answer the door that would be the best part....

Answer 18

Don't open the door. I exercise that right all the time.

Or ask them to leave and then shut the door.



My world!!! All of those who want to be in it will respect me.

Answer 19

I honestly face a similar situation and I just avoid them

Answer 20

I think the "Not now, not ever, please leave...." is pretty reasonable. I have some in-laws that are EXACTLY the same, but I moved like 700 miles away from them. Be straight forward and honest.

Answer 21

i have told my family that i dont think they are very mature and i know they make bad lifestyle choices and im not going to let my children see those kinds of things.

Answer 22

just dont answer the door, this way you avoid the drama.

Answer 23

say: I am not trying to be hateful, but you are no good to my children. It is one thing to upset me, but when it involves my children, its over. Sorry but you made your choice.... SLAM DOOR