How can I calm my 3 week old when I can't even calm myself?

Question

I'll admit right now I have ppd; I'm going tomorrow to try and set up counseling. In the meantime I'm so stressed I can't even calm my daughter down at night. During the day it's no big deal because I'm awake and I feel fine. The problem is I can't sleep when she does- it takes me a long time to fall asleep and about the time I do, she wakes up again so I'm pretty well exhausted by the night time, when she's the fussiest. I know my stress is stressing her out, but my husband works and I can't make him take care of her at night all the time. How can I stay calm enough to calm her down when everything thing she does at night only stresses me out?? She won't go to sleep without the bottle- everytime I try to switch for the passy she starts crying. Everytime I try to burp her she starts crying....now I'M crying hald of the time because I can't help her! I can't seem to keep it together when it seems like she cries every time I try to interact with her at night.

Answer 1

I'm having flashbacks .......



Wow. It's been 18-plus years, but I can remember it like it was yesterday!



My daughter was a fussy one, too. She started crying at 12 days old and didn't stop until 7 and a half months. Like clockwork ... she cried every night for 2 hours.



OK, at 3 weeks postpartum ... you are TIRED. You are doing your best. And, you are doing it, mostly, alone. Yeah, that part I can relate to, also.



I'm sorry, I don't have any great advice for you. From what you say, I don't really think you're suffering from PPD ... more like exhaustion, frustration, lack of sleep ... all of that is normal. NOT FUN ... but it's normal.



You're right about the fact that your stress is communicating itself to your baby. (If you have a second child, you'll be amazed at how much easier it is) But that doesn't help you right now.



You need some relief. Is there someone (Grandma ... a friend ... anyone?) who could take over for a few hours, so that you could catch a shower and a nap? If not, then your baby's Dad really needs to step up ... job or no, it's his kid, too. He should be sharing in the work and loss of sleep, as well as the joy of his new child.



I'm sure this will ring hollow, but your baby WILL outgrow the fussiness. It may be several more months, but she WILL.



If you need to see your doctor, or you think you need counseling, go. I actually don't think you are anything other than a normal stressed-out, very tired new mom, but of course I could be wrong. And your baby sounds entirely normal and fine, too.



Not all babies are angels ... and not all moms have a perfect maternal instinct. Most often, it's a case of learning from your mistakes. And the firstborn gets ALL the mistakes! But, guess what ..... that baby usually turns out just fine ... whether because of us or in spite of us!



Good Luck ... Best Wishes ... been there, done that.

Answer 2

When you get overwhelmed and stressed, put baby somewhere safe where she's not disturbing your hubby and take a few minutes to breathe...

If this does not help talk to your hubby about it... sometimes you have to just do what's best for the baby and if that means your hubby sacrifices some sleep so you can get some then that's what it means...

It's great that you're getting counceling for PPD... and that you realize that...

You sound like a great mom.. you just have to try to see what works to try to clear your head, take some deep breaths and reapproach your baby... I know for me, I have a one week old son, and if I co sleep with him he sleeps longer and better which allows me more sleep... I don't know how you feel about trying that but you could see if that helps. Otherwise see if you can get a family member to come over for a few hours and let you sleep while they care for the baby.

Being a mom is hard, and even when you are already a mom a new baby is hard and exhausting... you just have to realize that it's not that you suck as a parent... if you did you wouldn't be on here asking for advice or going to get help for PPD... you're a great mom and it WILL get better...

Answer 3

First and foremost, DO NOT beat yourself up. Those first few MONTHS were terrible for me. I felt like I should be happy and in love with my daughter, but instead I was tired, cranky and felt as if I was drowning. I didn't realize until later that I had PPD. So please know that just the fact you are on here asking for help and seeing a doctor makes you a wonderful mother!



Next, I agree with the other poster. I didn't want to co-sleep, but I was so tired and my daughter so needy, that's the only way I got sleep. Even now at 20 months, we often take naps together. It's the time when I seem to love her most. When we are snuggling close, giggling and she sleeps with her head on my shoulder. So for the meantime, you may want to try putting her in bed with you. Of course, be sure and read all the literature (there's tons online) about how to do this safely to avoid crib death.



Also, she could be hungry or gassy. I breastfed and it was about 4 weeks when I realized she just wasn't getting enough milk. It was 3 days of sheer crying madness before we figured it out (and felt like horrible parents!) Once we figured that out, we had one good week and then she was fussy again. I never knew if it was gas or what, but by process of elimination (we were feeding well, changing often and she was healthy otherwise) we assumed it was gas. A friend suggested Gripe Water (Baby's Bliss is best - you can google it), and things went MUCH better after that. It's all-natural and helps with gas, colic and teething and basically, general fussiness.



And last (and probably most important), know your limits. There were times I was worried I would hurt my daughter out of sheer frustration (3 days of crying can do that to a healthy woman). I finally quit the "I can do anything because I'm a good mother" act and asked for help. I needed time outs - to sit outside and breathe, to spend 3 hours in the grocery store, time to sleep away an afternoon, to just get myself together. Know that this won't last forever, IT WILL GET BETTER. You are just tired and dropped into a very intense situation. But don't question your mothering skills just because you need a break. Any mother will most likely understand (if they don't, it's only because they blocked it from their memory or are living in denial!) Don't be afraid to ask for a break when you need it!

Answer 4

Do you have anyone you could ask to help you out a little like a mom, friend, sister, etc?

It sounds like you are suffering from sleep deprivation and that (combined with ppd) will make it hard for you to handle anything. You really need a full night (or two) of rest.

I know your husband works, but you might have to get him to take at least one of the night wakings just so that you can actually get enough sleep to function.



When I had my son he ate every 2 hours for the first 3-4 months. I did all of the nights because my husband worked and near the end of it I was barely able to function. It is really unhealthy to not get any sleep.



If you start to get too frustrated, remember that it won't hurt her to cry in the bed for a few minutes while you try to get yourself calmed down.

Answer 5

I was sooooo exhausted the first couple of weeks, i know how u feel. Its like you know its gonna be hard, but when it actually happens you dont expect it to be this hard. Ok how much are you feeding her. If shes crying when you take the bottle away most likely shes still hungry, my son does this and has been doing it for a while, i just mix a couple extra ounces. Could it possibly be gas? IF so u can try those gas drops they sell, i personally didnt care for the chemicals in them and gave my son boiled water, as per the doctors orders. You can also try a swing, my son hated his but most parents have claimed them to be a god sent with a crying baby so its definately something to try. Lastly, i would say if you feel really overwhelmed, ask your mom or someone to take the baby for the day for you to get some rest. Hopefully you have someone you can turn to for help because its very hard to do it all on your own.

Answer 6

If she is fed, changed not to warm or to cold, and has no gas, then crying is not going to hurt her. I know it is heart wrenching!! But if you need a little break, lie her in her crib for ten minutes and find a place to breath!! When you are calmer, pick her up and lay her on YOUR tummy (away from the incision) and sing. She doesn't care if you sing nice or not! If you feel uncomfortable, then just hum tunelessly. She will enjoy the sound of your heart (like she did for nine months). Another thing I did with mine is to put him over my legs, tummy down and bounce just a little while humming. Even if they do not calm down right away, the humming will actually help you calm down!! If it gets to the point where YOU are crying (and there were times this happened to me) THEN hand her off. Your hubby and mom will understand. Yes they have to sleep, but so do YOU!! Just because they are working does not give them any more right to sleep than you have! They get to come home after work is over, you have to be at your job 24/7. It took me a long time and many sleepless days to learn this, please don't let it take you this long!

Answer 7

You should really ask your husband to help you out until you get treated for your ppd. Maybe he can take the first (or last) few hours of the night, giving you a break.



Hold baby close, turn down the lights, put some calming music on and rock slowly. Get help as soon as possible and you will feel much better.

Answer 8

every women goes through this. u have a new baby so shes not use to the world yet. she could even be colicky if she cries all the time like if shes in pain. i went through the samething u did cuz my husband had to sleep also durning the nights. but all u can do is keep doing what ur doing and try and figure out what she wants. she should get better when shes a little older at least a month old. and ur just tired from having a baby its whole new life. but it does get better stay strong.

Answer 9

Have you tried some herbal teas? there are some great teas out there for PPD. Chamomile works great to give you relaxation, I take it all the time even when I am preggo.