Why am I treated like crap because I can’t breastfeed?

Question

I answered someone else’s question about supplementing formula with breast milk and received tons of thumbs down. Don’t you people realize that most mothers WANT to breast feed, but some just can’t?

My son almost died from an infection when he was born. He was delivered via an emergency C-Section and was in the NICU for a week. I didn’t get to hold him until he was almost a day old – let alone breastfeed him. He was fed through a tube in his nose. But, when I finally had the opportunity, I really tried. Unforunately, my milk didn't come in fully because of circumstances. So, after 6 weeks of trying (and having a screaming, starving baby), I gave him formula. I cried. I felt like a huge failure who was permanently damaging her child.

Why do you breastfeeding Nazis have to treat people bad just because they can’t do what you can? Don’t you realize we can be hard enough on ourselves?

Answer 1

They can't accept people that don't do things their way. We can accept them but it's not the other way around..I promise I have NEVER had anyone in "real" life ever criticize me for bottle feeding nor do I associate myself with close minded people...They probably had a bad childhood and it has made them that way...not sure..sad though...

You are a fine mother and don't worry about the critics!



I stopped looking at all of our thumbs ups and downs..its so immature to even have that option on this site...

Answer 2

As far as the thumbs down goes, who knows. Yesterday I got a thumbs down on a poll question, how does that work?



I try to reserve thumbs down for when (1) the answer doesn't have anything to do with the question (2) the answer is rude or mean-spirited and unhelpful (3) if the information in the answer is completely false or so uniformed the answerer should not have bothered.

Honest opinions (even if I disagree) and personal experiences don't usually fall within those categories.



I personally don't look down on women who can't or don't breastfeed. I do see a gap in our culture between the art and practice of breastfeeding and the women who want to breastfeed, or would at least try if they knew more about it. When my parents and grandparents were having babies, they were encouraged NOT to breastfeed because doctors believed formula was scientifically better. I think we have a ways to go before that wound is healed and women have the full support of society when it comes to feeding their babies, no matter how they do so.



I also know several women who simply think formula is the normal way to feed a baby and that breastfeeding is weird and somehow sexual. This attitude is a result, imo, of information not being passed along by doctors and nurses to women who choose formula because they don't want to offend anyone. I doubt as many women would scoff breastfeeding if they knew it was supported by their doctor. As long as the medical community continues taking this weak stance, there will be a divide among women who use formula and women who nurse. It's this divide that sometimes makes it hard to be supportive of each other, even when we disagree.

Answer 3

I've got to answer to Saige's ignorance, first off.



Preemies and sick newborns ARE fed through a tube in their nose, it's called an NG (nasogastric) tube, it goes in their nose, down their throat and into their stomach. It's placed because they are too weak to suck and swallow. An ET (endotracheal) tube is for breathing, and it goes in the mouth and down the trachea IF the baby is on a ventilator, not all sick newbies have to be. Honestly, people, heed the words of wisdom from Ben Franklin before answering....."It's better to remain silent and appear stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."



Now, the original question. I am truly sorry you had such a hard time with your little one. Sometimes it works out that way. All you can do is to educate yourself and go on. I do apologize that you feel as though breastfeeding mothers have given you a hard time. I have not seen any moms on here aggressively putting anyone down for their feeding choices. The only time that we breastfeeding advocates get our tails in a knot is when someone gives improper breastfeeding advice...ie: "supplement with formula" as an answer to all of breastfeeding's woes. Or when we're called Nazis. That's insulting. And truly, breastfeeding mothers have enough to deal with what with the whole world telling us to "cover up with a blanket" or "WHEN are you going to wean that baby, he has TEETH!"



So really, can't we all just play nice?

Answer 4

you got thumbs down for giving bad advice. Supplementing with formula is never a good idea because it will decrease your milk supply. I breastfeed and am very proud of it. but breastfeeding is a very personal decision and i never look down on mommies who formula feed for whatever reason. I think a lot of breastfeeding mommies on this site are sick of people giving bad advice to those who are really trying to make breastfeeding work. if you don't breastfeed then you cant really give advice to someone who does unless you are informed and educated on the subject. You are not a huge failure for feeding your baby actually you would be if you starved your baby. what makes someone a good mommy is not what you feed your baby but how you raise it. You should raise your child to love and respect people and be a better person then you are. (not you personally)

Answer 5

I will tell you most people think i am crazy and disgusting for Breast feeding. It is only online that I actually find people that support my decision. Most of my friends don't understand how i can let my little baby suck on my boob. They think it is a sexual act and trust it is far from it. I know how you feel to be put down for your decisions, but trust me it goes both ways. A lot of breast feeding women can be very defensive because they are often put down by others for breast feeding at least where I am from.



I give you super thumbs up for going through what you have gone through and still even considering breastfeeding.



Just always know in your heart that know matter what anyone else thinks of you, you are doing the best that you can to be the best mother that your baby could ever have. There is not another person in the world who could love your baby more than you could (lactating or otherwise).

Answer 6

Well, i already sent you an email, but i just wanted to correct Saige, tho not that she'll see that.



I see you got your information from Wikipedia. Here is a link stating that a G-Tube can ALSO be inserted through the nose



http://www.answers.com/topic/feeding-tube?cat=health



"A feeding tube can be inserted by a surgical or nonsurgical procedure in several positions along the gastrointestinal tract. The tube may be inserted into the nose"



But as a short answer to your question, ignore the judgmental bf'ing nazis. (not saying all bf'ing mommies, i know there are alot of understanding bf'ing mommies out there, and kudos to you for not judging us mommies who couldn't or didn't). It is sad that they need to feel that they have to stoop down to a childish level just to say breast is best.

Answer 7

I'm so sorry that you are treated like crap. Chalk it up to people who just don't have a clue.

What a scare you went through with your son, I'm really sorry about the experience. Do NOT feel like a failure, I assure you, you are NOT. As long as your son is being fed in any way, then you are doing a great job.



I nursed my son til he was 18months old. I'm very much an advocate of nursing a baby. I had planned to nurse my next baby, it meant the world to me. However, my daughter was born with a cleft lip/palate. I was unable to nurse. I did attempt to pump and supplement with formula, but the pumping was very difficult for me, and I had such a severe case of PPD, it was just impossible to keep up with. I had to resort to strictly formula feeding. Like you, I felt like a failure. But then, I realized... my daughter was thriving, she was gaining weight. I was NOT a failure, I was feeding my baby.



I wish you all the best.



As for the thumbs down... try not to take it too personally. People will give a thumbs down to someone who says that 1+1=2 around here. The level of immaturity is high around here, unfortunately.



Saige stated " ...don't expect you to built a healthy nursing relationship when you believe that your baby was being fed through his nose. Breast feeding doesn't come naturally like many say it does; it requires you to be educated about your body and your baby."

Apparently some people need to be educated on what types of feeding tubes exist.

Saige, your edit is pathetic. There are nasal feeding tubes. My daughter was born with a cleft lip/palate. Thankfully, she didn't require a feeding tube. However, I met many parents of children with clefts who did require feeding tubes. Guess what -- they were nasal. Have you read the link I sent to you?

There are two types of feeding tubes -- the type that is surgically placed via the belly into the stomach. My sister has this, she suffered strokes back in 2004. Then there is the nasal type which is inserted into a nostril. That's an ng tube (nasogastric).

Answer 8

I had a similar moment of despair at people on this site very recently. The bottom line is that there are always going to be hard-liners on every subject, not just breastfeeding/formula feeding. When someone is judging or being unreasonably critical - just ignore them.



You did your best, and that is all that can be asked of anyone who is a parent.



Also, really don't worry about the thumbs down. I totally agree with one of the previous answers - it's such a childish feature to have on this site.

Answer 9

Because most women who say they "can't" breastfeed actually "don't want to" breastfeed.



My sister-in-law did this. Everyone knew she had no intention to breastfeed, and after he was born she said he wouldn't latch... lamest excuse in the book! And the "I didn't produce enough" excuse... I've been through both of those issues and know they can be overcome if you *really* care about breastfeeding.



I know that formula feeding moms feel inadequate, but making excuses for something you never intended to do in the first place is just pathetic.



And no, I'm not saying "you" specifically. Just answering the question with a basic generalization of what I've seen happen.

Answer 10

I had a very similar situation to yours. My baby was born after an extremely long (18 hr. induction) and the cord was wrapped around her neck. She came out blue, finally breathed but seemed so sleepy for weeks afterwards that I never could get her to latch. Because of the conviction that "breast was best" I stayed up till all hours pumping every two hours round the clock for the first month. I became delirious from the sleep deprivation and this made what could have been a time of joyful bonding into a sleepless endless nightmare. It was because of the well-meaning advice that breast was best that I refused to give up despite my daughter's pediatrician diagnosing her with a high palate which made latching impossible. It was a nursing relationship doomed from day one. I however persisted with the pumping until one day she did latch. But you know what? This decision to breastfeed almost burnt down our house as I passed out from exhaustion sometime during that third week of no sleep and continual pumping while I was boiling pump parts. I wound up melting the pump in the pot that had boiled down and filling our house with noxious melted plastic fumes. Anyhow if people had been more encouraging about feeding my daughter formula and had not made me feel like a failure for the difficulties we had in breastfeeding this potential tragedy would have been averted as both baby and I would have been happily asleep at that ungodly hour, I would not have depleted my energy that should have been used to mother my baby on the frivolity of pumping non-stop to create a breastfeeding supply for a baby who simply couldn't nurse. I hear exactly what you are saying. Thank God the fumes woke me up as we could have burnt the condo down and died in a fire. Breastfeeding is only best if you have a baby who is willing and able to do it! Don't let ANYONE make you feel guilty. You sound like a great Mom and good for you for trying in the first place. You are doing the right thing. Your child would have starved without formula. Just forget the "holier than thou righteous ideal" of breast being the only acceptable way. Do what will nourish your child and ignore people who are too ignorant to listen to why breastfeeding wasn't possible for your child. Its not your fault. You are simply doing the best with what you were given.



See, who knows why people get thumbs down. I just shared my personal difficulties with breastfeeding and people still judge me for a situation beyond my control. Its totally thoughtless and I hope someday you thumbs downers have an impossible situation you are judged harshly for. BTW I breastfed both daughters for 1 year each in spite of my difficulties with my first daughter. I was induced for preeclampsia, another situation beyond my control and her problems were common ones she outgrew, but as she was outgrowing them I suffered because of the well-meaning advice that didn't take into consideration how much time is involved in pumping milk for a baby that cannot latch on. A breastfeeding newborn nurses every two hours, and if you are pumping that creates one long feeding session spanning 24 hours a day. When could a person do ANYTHING else? Thumbs down...whatever!

Answer 11

You have not been 'treated like crap.' Looking at your response, I'm guessing that the various 'thumbs downs' were due to your indication that she should supplement, and 'when you supplement...' The mother in question had a healthy, normal baby who was just growing more slowly than the charts suggested she 'should'. In that case, there was no immediate evidence that supplementing was necessary.



I'm very sorry that you were unable to BF. Unfortunately, a small percentage of women can't, for a variety of reasons. For those mothers, formula is a godsend, and provides their babies with a healthy alternative.



But even more unfortunately, many women who CAN BF get bad advice from doctors, health visitors, friends and others, and so are unable to BF successfully. It's those mothers who we try to help, by letting them know that they CAN, and offering educated advice and support to allow them to do so.

Answer 12

i breast feed for seven and hlaf months and i loved it. i dont know why people are so hard. i guess they think u could of tried harder like pumping but if i were u i would of been to worried to think of pumping. my son was sent to nicu cause my doctor waited to long after my water broke. they gave him formula against my will. i wasnt happy and they also gave him a passy which made the next three days a night mare but i was so glad i had a great nurse that helped me out she told me flat out what i needed to do and what not to do. i hope if u have another one that u will try again. it is so much cheaper. i spend 100 dollar a month now. wish i would of keep at it hang in there



oh and remember most people say stuff on here that they wouldnt have the gutts to say to your face. i respect u for what u did at least u tried. i know women that wont even talk about it. oh and most women only nurse for the first six weeks. my sons doctor about fell over when i told him how long. and it was my son that stopped nursing.

Answer 13

They definetly shouldn't be treating you like crap. But if they are, then that's just embarassing for them. Seriously - it's great if you breastfeed, but if you can't, then oh well. I'm sure alot of women who can't and would love to breastfeed support their baby in many other ways, and with extra love. Not everyone breastfeeds and there are tons of babies who are JUST FINE!!! I even know some kids who weren't breasfed who are smarted than those who were!!! So, everyone - shut it and get off your high horse. I breast fed for 3-4 weeks, then just dried up!!!! I don't really now why - but I felt like a piece of crap. And when in the hospital and I said when I'm going back to work at 3 mos. and won't continue it YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE the looks I got. "Well, can't u pump at work??!!" NO!!!! Haha. I work! Jeesh. There are worst things a mother can do!

Answer 14

I'm so sorry you had such a hard time. Some people lack compassion and understanding. As a breastfeeding mom, I am sorry for those clueless people who judge without knowing. You made the only choice you had. I hope you will ignore the nazis and try again when you have another child.



I had trouble with my milk when my son was born. He was only in NICU for a couple of days so I was able to nurse him.



You are a good mom. Formulas today are as close as they could possible be to breastfeeding.

Answer 15

I am unable to provide enough milk either. I have 3 kids including a 5 month old. When I was in the hospital the nurses and lactation specialist gave me such a hard time. I told them that I starved my first 2 children because I didnt produce enough and they still kept telling me that I neded to try because she didnt want me looking at my preemie baby years from now and regret not breast feeding. I couldnt!!!! He was to small to begin with and they wanted me to starve him. I know how you feel and after 3 kids I just let it go in one ear ond out the other. You dont need to explain the reason why you dont or cant breastfeed to anyone because that is not their business its yours. My children are healthy and happy kids and they were formula fed!! Just ignore ignorant people.

Answer 16

Don't let it get to you.Some people are just rude & judgemental.Breast isn't best for every family.You do what works for you.End the end as long as baby & MOMMY are happy,who cares about anyone else's opinion.I chose to formula feed and I will never feel guilty over it.I do not feel inadequate either.I am just as good of a mom than a breastfeeding mom is.I know that it is the best choice for my family.I also know that my son will be just as healthy & smart as any breastfed baby.So just ignore them.They are a bunch of strangers anyways so what they think about you doesn't matter anyways..

Answer 17

Some people, for some reason, refuse to believe that there could possibly be actual medical reasons for someone not breastfeeding. They think that since they overcame their own mild breastfeeding issues that, surely, everyone else can!



Then there are others who really just don't think and jump to insult a formula-feeding parent for no real reason other than they have it out for formula makers and other mass-produced things.



However, not everyone on here is that way. Ignore the rude ones who are that way; you know what's best and what's possible for you to raise your own child. Also, getting some Thumbs Down isn't the end of the world.

Answer 18

I agree. I tried very hard. It is one thing to never try but to try and not succeed is a totally different thing! Breastfeeding mothers should just be happy they are able to instead of criticizing those who are not able to.



I have different nipples which made it harder for my son to latch on and he would scream his head off from hunger and fustration! I then started to pump exclusivly but that takes so much time to pump one breast for 30 minutes and then the next breast for 30 minutes and then to feed him for 30 minutes and then have to clean the pump and it's accesories and bottles after each use so that only lasted 3 weeks... I do have college and work to attend to aswell.

Answer 19

I agree with you!!

I breastfed for 6 months and had to stop for health reasons. I cried my head of for weeks, it was terrible. But you know what? My baby is 14 months and she is great. You gave it a shot, it didn't work, you are not a failure. Being a good parent is not defined by whether or not you breastfeed. And yes, we are our own worst enemies sometimes!

My way of coping is to live in denial and just not look at the ingredients on the formula can! LOL! Serously - billions of babies were raised on formula and are alive and well today.

Answer 20

You probably got thumbs down because you recommended giving formula to a breastfed baby when not necessary. Formula has it's place - when mom *truly* cannot breastfeed. Formula is not "just as good" or even close to breastmilk - it's a supplement of last resorts. Not breastfeeding puts a child at increased risk for SIDS, severe illness, and a higher chance of death during infancy. So it gets old when people give bad advice that will sabotage a breastfeeding mom.



It was probably because you gave some bad advice.



Sounds like you have some guilt over the issue, but it really doesn't make it right to use such offensive words in an attempt to insult people.



Bring on the thumbs down!

Answer 21

Don't feel you own anyone an explaination.

I am thankful your son is healthy now, and that he has a mother who cares and wants the best for him.



You are a successful parent, no matter how many 'thumbs down' you recieve.

Answer 22

I applaud you for trying so hard to nurse your baby. Sometimes it is very easy for some people to nurse and they do not realize how hard it is for other people. I am sorry that you have been so hard on yourself and others have been on you as well. We all do what we can for our babies and you have done your best so I think you should take it easy on yourself and be proud of the wonderful baby you have. Good job mom.

Answer 23

It's not about you.



It's that you told a woman to supplement.



That's BAD advice if she wants to succeed with breastfeeding.

Answer 24

Your baby was not fed through a tube in his nose. He was breathing through a tube in his nose. Goodness!



Your story is one that more people should hear. Realize, though, that most people are hard on those who don't breast feed because it makes a point. Many people who formula feed do so because they think that it is just as good, or even better. They won't believe the facts about breast feeding unless they are forced to listen.



Realize, as well, that nearly all moms will have a full milk supply after birth, including moms whose babies were still born or who allowed their babies to be adopted. Engorgement with in the first few days after delivery is when your milk is coming in. It's how you react to that that determines what kind of milk supply you will have. Ask a mom who put her baby up for adoption if her milk came in, and you'll most likely get a yes.



Again, your story is one that should be heard, but you need to make sure you don't perpetuate breast feeding myths like you are. You do not need to put your baby to your breast the first few days of life in order to get a full milk supply.



Learn how your body works and how milk is made. I don't expect you to built a healthy nursing relationship when you believe that your baby was being fed through his nose. Breast feeding doesn't come naturally like many say it does; it requires you to be educated about your body and your baby.



Edit: A gastrostomy tube (G-tube) is a tube inserted through a small incision in the abdomen into the stomach and is used for long-term enteral nutrition. Your baby probably had one, but it would have been near his belly button, not in his nose. He probably had a tube in his nose, too, but those are for oxygen.

Answer 25

Don't let it get to you, everyone has an opinion on this subject and just take it with a grain of salt. Don't let anyone guilt trip you about it. I formula fed my first and although I am going to try and breastfeed this baby, if it doesn't work out it won't be the end of the world.

Answer 26

My son was born via c-section as well, and was in the NICU for 2 weeks. I wasn't allowed to hold him until he was 10 days old. I managed to breastfeed him, even under the curcumstances. While he was in the NICU, I pumped, and used a syringe to feed him.



Also, breastfeeders are not Nazis, nowhere close in fact. It's actually insulting to those who lost their family to Hitler and his Nazis. Would you like to be called the Formula Taliban? I would hope not.



I couldn't agree with McMom more.

Answer 27

There is no reason for you to be treated that way....I hate people that do that...I am 8 months pregnant and people are like are you going to breastfeed and i just found out that i can(i have a medical condition and had to switch meds so i can) But when i would respond " i dont know if i can yet, depends, but i want to" people would be like well you need to and bla blah...Sorry but i dont need you to tell me what i have to do....I will do as i please and i see fit for my child depending on my situation....Ugh people need to mind thier own business!! Sorry u are unable to....I was going to be heartbroken if i couldnt as well and people like that just make it worse...Tell them to butt out! If you need to vent you can e-mail me!

Answer 28

Don't take it so personal. I get thumbs down for things I have no idea why.

Answer 29

Sorry for your hard times when your son was born. Some breastfeeding Moms think they are perfect. We know better, don't we?

Answer 30

i am sorry



if it helps, i get thumbs down too. don't worry about it.

Answer 31

"(Oh -- and the reason you got so many thumbs down would be the bad advice you gave -- not because you "Can't" breastfeed.)"



MCMOM WHO R U TO SAY WHAT'S GOOD OR BAD ADVICE?

Answer 32

Not all breastfeeding mom's are nazi's about it...if they were in a situation where they couldn't breastfeed i'm sure they wouldn't be saying anything to themselves.

Answer 33

i dont get it. i didnt breat feed my son either. he used formula and guess what? hes PERFECTLY HEALTHY, smart and we have a great bond together. i tried to, but, it just hurt. it was my choice not to, and he is just fine now.

breastfeeding nazis...haha thats funny :)

Answer 34

Nobody "treated you like crap"...they didn't say anything towards you. People just gave thumbs down...people do that ALL THE TIME regardless of what answer people give



sorry you had a rough time

Answer 35

Perhaps you are not receiving thumbsdown because you are not breastfeeding.



Perhaps you are receiving thumbsdown because you are giving bad advice.



If a mom comes on here asking for breastfeeding advice, I will give thumbsdown to all the moms who immediately recommend supplementing with formula.



It's nothing personal. ******Formula is NOT an answer to a breastfeeding issue!!!!!******



I HATE it when a dozen people who have NO clue about breastfeeding automatically chant



*supplement with formula*

*supplement with formula*

*supplement with formula*



That is the WORST advice EVER, and if that's all you have to offer, than kindly don't even bother answering.

Answer 36

You lost any respect and sympathy you may have had from me at the "you breastfeeding Nazi's" line.



There have been plenty of women in that situation who continued to breastfeed, you didn't and sound a little bitter towards women who now successfully breastfeed.



(Oh -- and the reason you got so many thumbs down would be the bad advice you gave -- not because you "Can't" breastfeed.)